Finding Balance

I'm struggling to find balance. I am still injured, but getting much better.  The more improved I feel and more range of motion I achieve, the greater my desire to push myself gets. I understand that PT is still necessary, but I've gained 75% of my arms range of motion back. 75% isn't 100%, but it's the closest I've felt in five months. 

Patience isn't my strong suit, in fact, I think I come by it honestly, I come from a long line of impatient people. We joke that it is an O'Brien trait. I am torn between wanting my life back and fearing re-injury. I know re-injury isn't likely, but it's amazing how much more you can fear something happening to you after it has already happened once. I went down my front stairs this afternoon to drop something off at my neighbors house and I had a short panic attack at the bottom stair as I looked away to see who was walking towards me on the sidewalk. Just the simple glancing away of my eyes caused a brief startle response in my body and my heart started to beat very fast. As soon as I made it to the sidewalk for a couple seconds, the reaction went away.

So, I am getting better and feeling better than I have in many months, but I have to find balance and not push too hard. After my Pilates class Saturday morning, I came home, did my arm therapy exercises, did a series of roll-ups (Pilates version of the sit-up) and 30 minutes on my treadmill on a basic program. Today, I can barely move, my abs are on fire, my legs and arms are tired, you name it. Did I over do it yesterday?? Most definitely. Could I have done all those exercises prior to my injury without problem, yes. 

I need to find a way to get back into the shape I was in before my accident without pushing too hard, but not being too easy on myself either. I think my drive/fear can be felt by others. In my Pilates class, Faith (my instructor/friend) said to me "don't be mad at me for taking it easy on you" and I have to believe she said that in part because she can sense my drive and desire to be back to normal. Is this a normal response for people? Maybe so, I don't know. I've never experienced an injury this intense before and part of me fears that I will use it as an excuse to not be active and so I am doing the opposite to the extreme? I don't know. Interesting questions for me to ponder. Prior to my injury, I was doing Pilates three days a week, two equipment classes and one mat and I was also doing 2 aerobics classes. It will probably be a while before I am back to that schedule. I sure hope I don't drive myself insane in the meantime. 

I need to find what people call a "happy medium" which isn't a place I enjoy. I can be an all or nothing kind of gal with certain subjects, that's for sure.  At least I have given up the fear of what my injury and my decision to eat like I wanted to while recuperating has done to my body and finally got on the scale. I was convinced that I had gained gobs and gobs of weight, when in fact, I am 5-10 pounds from where I remember being before I fell. That turned out to be a good thing to do because my brain quieted down and stopped feeding me false information. Does one ever get over the fear of gaining weight, especially when that is an issue you've been dealing with for most of your life? I should probably read "A New Earth" again, because when it comes to weight, my ego has all kinds of crazy messages it constantly feeds me. (Yes, the pun was intentional)

So, I need to get back into shape, but be gentle with myself at the same time.  I need to protect my arm and it's healing process, but still push myself to get where I want to be physically. I need to find that balance!!